Things to Say and Do Guaranteed to
Spice up Your Thesis and Dissertation Defenses

  1. Begin the defense by charging a cover and checking for ID.

  2. Charge a two-drink minimum.

  3. Begin with "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem."

  4. Follow that with a joke that starts with "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..."

  5. Bring coffee and charge 25 cents a cup.

  6. "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.

  7. Describe parts of your dissertation using interpretive dance.

  8. Lead your committee members in a Wave.

  9. Break the tension at appropriate moments with a sing-a-long.

  10. Answer tough queries with "You call THAT a question? How'd you ever get to be a professor?"

  11. Have bodyguards outside the room to discourage attendance of certain professors.

  12. Present your defense using puppets.

  13. Before you begin your presentation, sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.

  14. In addition, pass a collection basket.

  15. Answer complex issues in mime.

  16. Use the ocassion to hold a Tupperware party.

  17. Have bikini-clad models in charge of changing your overheads.

  18. At approximately the mid-point of your defense bring out maracas and shout "Everybody rumba!!"

  19. Explain nonsignificant findings with "It would have worked if it weren't for those f*%ing kids."

  20. Refuse to answer tough questions "in protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of minorities."

  21. Offer door prizes and conduct a raffle.

  22. Ask professors to "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer."

  23. Interrupt every 15 minutes with the announcement "And now, a word from our sponsor."

  24. Present critical parts of your defense in iambic pentameter.

  25. In your announcement, inform your committee that it will be a black tie affair.

  26. Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.

  27. Announce to your committee that "There will be a short quiz after my presentation."

  28. Bring your pet boa.

  29. Bring snacks and start a food fight.

  30. Slap your committee chair with a glove and challenge him to a duel.

  31. Arrange for a halftime show.

  32. Bring a big foam hand that says "I'm #1."

  33. Pass out souvenier matchbooks.

  34. Hang a pinata over the table and hire a strolling mariachi band.

  35. Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question asked.

  36. Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.

  37. When necessary, say "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out."

  38. Dress in top hat and tails.

  39. Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.

  40. If you sense that things are not going well, threaten to detonate a small nuclear device in the room.

  41. Show slides of your last vacation.

  42. Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.

  43. If members of the committee begin to argue among themselves announce: "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."

  44. When in trouble, begin speaking in tongues.

  45. Answer every question with a question.

  46. Hand out 3-D glasses.

  47. Announce credits at the end. Include a "key grip" and a "best boy."

  48. Make a practice of replying, "Sure, I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you."

  49. Ask a friend and conspirator to attend and ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying. Be sure to include fake blood. Turn to your committee and ask "Other questions?"

  50. Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, a clown nose, and nothing else.

  51. Install "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.

  52. Use a TelePromTer

  53. Alter the clocks in the room and begin your defense 15 minutes before anyone arrives.
Grad Student Humor | Home